Jamie
Jamie was a flatmate from Ireland.
He used to be a friend, now he was only a flatmate.
I used to go out with him a lot in the beginning, when he used to drink.
Actually, I was going out mostly with him, even though he left earlier most of the times.
Some of them were some pretty crazy weekend.
Then the drinking got out of hand for him and he regressed to his old days of alcoholism. After a few days drinking without stop he went back to Ireland in the summer of 2012, got cleaned and came back.
He said nothing would have changed, but I knew it would have.
He was too shy and timid and way too self conscious to go out at night without drinking.
Indeed he went out of a couple of times with me, was a complete fish out of water and then after an evening that I kissed a girl he was seeing, he didn't go out at all anymore (don't judge me for this and just take me word if I say that he deserved it :) ).
He wasn't going out at all, never, and several times he was already awake in the weekends as I was coming back home.
Jamie used to put girls on pedestals in a way that was almost annoying to me.
And that made me think of a English word beginning with "L" that I don't wanna use because I dislike that word and because I didn't have anything against Jamie.
Henriette
Henriette was a girl from The Netherlands.
I always start with the idea that a flatmate is a friend. Maybe it's because that's how we treated each other in the flatshares I had in Italy.
But time had and different situations had made it clear she was certainly not a friend.
I thought she was a heartless person.
She always bought everything at the Lidle, ate like shit and drank lots of junk pops.
IN THE FLAT
In the flat I was the only one cooking and eating in the kitchen.
H was cooking there and eating in the room, Jamie even while cooking was always going back to his room and closing his doors. No idea what he had to do so urgent there.
I often walked around in underwear or bare chested.
All my shoes were outside, in the hall, and they spanned around 1/4 of the hall's length. My big umbrella was outside.
None of the other two had anything outside.
My bag was always in the kitchen's couch, while none of the others had nothing in the kitchen.
I was keeping my dirty clothes in bags in the (common) storage room.
I had two compartments in the fridge while they had just one.
I was often leaving dirty dishes long after I was done eating.
I guess I can say I enjoyed a bit of a dominant position in the flat.
Still, I wasn't able to have the others respect the cleaning schedule and introduce a fee for those who missed it.
Damn Ms Penny-Pincher Henriette kept saying she'd do her turn and didn't want the fee as "we are all adults" and don't need that. And time and again she kept missing the turn.
Anyway, overall I have to admit it was a good place to stay.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
My social circle
My social circle was rather small.
I didn't have many close friends at work, they were mostly colleagues and nothing more.
Except of one, an Indian guy named Pratim.
Pratim
Pratim was a really cool guy, we laughed a lot together and I was glad to have met him because he was one of the few persons with whom I could have talked not just about fun stuff, but also "higher" topics like international politics, a bit of economics and all of the other.
We always had lunch together and met pretty much every weekend. At the beginning he was often coming out with me, but then he retreated a bit from night life as he met a girl that seemed was going to become his future wife.
Well, met is a big word, their parents had met and the two of them were talking on Skype :).
But still we were meeting for a Sunday dinner or just to say hi. We were living close anyway.
I was sad he had to leave after a sting of 6 months in Prague.
Anwar
Anwar was a guy I had met at the bar in front from Speedo and stayed a good friend until the end.
He was from Honduras, his father though an immigrated catholic palestinian.
Anwar was married to a Czech woman and had a kid.
He was very responsible as a father and a husband, especially if you consider he was only 25.
He never wanted to cheat and felt very bad when it actually happened on a personal, moral level.
Anwar had good working ethics, a bad sense of style and was a good drinker.
I respected Anwar for his moral standards and I liked him.
Speedo
I had met Speedo, a black guy from Madagascar, together with Anwar.
Speedo had witnessed a 3 way face off between an Anaconda, a scorpion and a huge iguana were somehow all the 3 of them died.
Speedo's father had been attacked and bitten and dragged by a crocodile and had been under voodoo spell until her got back to the witch and killer her.
It says something about Speedo's background, but it also might something about Speedo's attitude towards lies and reality: you could never much really 100% trust what he was saying :).
Speedo also had a child but he wasn't providing much for him. He had gotten recently divorced.
I had spent several nights with Speedo chasing girls and it was good fun.
I think he was great in sticking with girls while I was more like a "social butterfly". He was getting laid not badly also because he didn't care much about women's looks. That was a good thing, he also left the best looking one for me and also offered me first pick :D
Speedo had changed for the worst though.
He had gotten addict to poker machines and he was always without money. He owed me and Anwar and kept going out with little or no money.
Also Speedo had a tendency to talk a lot and not listen much. He used to repeat extremely simple arguments 100 times even though half a time would have been enough to grasp his point :).
I adapt very easily to different people and different "level of conversation" enjoying light subjects as much as I like a "learned" conversation.
I was OK with the range of topics I could have shared with Speedo, but I don't think I could have said the same for Anwar.
That coupled with the fact that I had no intention to keep paying for Speedo and finance his vices brought me to see Anwar much more often during July/August.
I didn't have many close friends at work, they were mostly colleagues and nothing more.
Except of one, an Indian guy named Pratim.
Pratim
Pratim was a really cool guy, we laughed a lot together and I was glad to have met him because he was one of the few persons with whom I could have talked not just about fun stuff, but also "higher" topics like international politics, a bit of economics and all of the other.
We always had lunch together and met pretty much every weekend. At the beginning he was often coming out with me, but then he retreated a bit from night life as he met a girl that seemed was going to become his future wife.
Well, met is a big word, their parents had met and the two of them were talking on Skype :).
But still we were meeting for a Sunday dinner or just to say hi. We were living close anyway.
I was sad he had to leave after a sting of 6 months in Prague.
Anwar
Anwar was a guy I had met at the bar in front from Speedo and stayed a good friend until the end.
He was from Honduras, his father though an immigrated catholic palestinian.
Anwar was married to a Czech woman and had a kid.
He was very responsible as a father and a husband, especially if you consider he was only 25.
He never wanted to cheat and felt very bad when it actually happened on a personal, moral level.
Anwar had good working ethics, a bad sense of style and was a good drinker.
I respected Anwar for his moral standards and I liked him.
Speedo
I had met Speedo, a black guy from Madagascar, together with Anwar.
Speedo had witnessed a 3 way face off between an Anaconda, a scorpion and a huge iguana were somehow all the 3 of them died.
Speedo's father had been attacked and bitten and dragged by a crocodile and had been under voodoo spell until her got back to the witch and killer her.
It says something about Speedo's background, but it also might something about Speedo's attitude towards lies and reality: you could never much really 100% trust what he was saying :).
Speedo also had a child but he wasn't providing much for him. He had gotten recently divorced.
I had spent several nights with Speedo chasing girls and it was good fun.
I think he was great in sticking with girls while I was more like a "social butterfly". He was getting laid not badly also because he didn't care much about women's looks. That was a good thing, he also left the best looking one for me and also offered me first pick :D
Speedo had changed for the worst though.
He had gotten addict to poker machines and he was always without money. He owed me and Anwar and kept going out with little or no money.
Also Speedo had a tendency to talk a lot and not listen much. He used to repeat extremely simple arguments 100 times even though half a time would have been enough to grasp his point :).
I adapt very easily to different people and different "level of conversation" enjoying light subjects as much as I like a "learned" conversation.
I was OK with the range of topics I could have shared with Speedo, but I don't think I could have said the same for Anwar.
That coupled with the fact that I had no intention to keep paying for Speedo and finance his vices brought me to see Anwar much more often during July/August.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
13 Berlin trip
RECRUITING DAY / ASSESSMENT CENTER
Beginning of July I went to Berlin.
I was there for an assessment center in an online marketing company.
For a handful of positions there had been 400 applicants.
Makes you think about the state of the European job market a bit :.
Around 14:45 they started calling the final picks.
I was glad that the two prettiest girls had been selected :) and I was waiting for my name to be mentioned but... I wasn't in that list.
It was a bit of a shocking news to be honest.
I had done an AC a couple of years ago and been told I had "strongly impressed the managers", and I was today only more confident and relaxed -even though much less well prepared compared to back then-.
Also except for 2 questions about "which word you can add to these ones to make a new word" I was pretty sure I had done pretty well in the written tests we had been given (data checking; math; IQ; writing).
I had done some similar ones for the European Union too, and had been just 1 point shy of getting through in the most challenging group. Ana, a rumenian girl picked that day, was 2 points away in an easier category.
My interview hadn't been too good as I didn't prepare much, not even the classical "tell me a bit about yourself question".
But it hadn't been too bad either.
Anyway, you should take your time to analyze and take lessons learned, that's very important, but once if there's you shouldn't dwell too long.
One thing that I proudly improved a lot during these months is that of not taking failures too personally, not trying too hard to protect your ego by making excuses, discrediting the choices done by the people that stood in the way to success and all the while... Not losing a healthy self esteem in spite of not having reached the goal.
And anyway, who wanted to join that stupid company, the guys were a bunch of duped sad sacks and it's not even a start up by now!
Yeah, I still need to improve further on not discrediting my assessors.
Ehehehe I'm just kidding of course :)
THE BAR
In the afternoon we went with part of the candidates to get a couple of beers.
One Spanish guy left us early, and so did a Belgian guy in a suit because "he wasn't in the mood".
I then saw him walk away dragging his feet and keeping his head low. I will remember that image for a while as an example of two paths one can take.
I wasn't in a very positive mood myself, but I did a conscious effort to keep walking straight and with my head held high.
Which I held that way even when the guy with a bicycle screamed at me for trying to cross in the wrong spot. And when a girl complained about "people standing on the sidewalk" while she walked around me as I stood on the sidewalk like an idiot, suitcase in hand (any chance she was referring to me? :D ).
Also, I gave myself a some time to keep quietly to myself before starting again to smile and socialize. But eventually that's what I was going to do as soon as possible.
I wished the Spanish and the Belgian guy had done the same, they'd have felt so much better so much sooner, but I didn't want to insist too much.
Indeed we then had great fun at the bar drinking beer and talking and smiling.
And I was a bit teasing a cute girl in the group about her liking me and me going to see her when her BF wasn't there :).
They were really great people, and I think I can say I miss a bit having around me some well learned friends with very good English and with some ambitions.
Towards the end of the evening we were left with just me and a black girl from Portugal.
BERLIN
When she went looking for an ATM I walked around the bar approaching random group of people standing around the shops (it was fashion week).
Some of them were classical Berliner whom I thought were trying a bit too hard to be alternative.
That's what I said to a little group of 3 girls. "But that's just their way to express themselves", protested one as they moved away.
I wonder why they moved away actually, she only looked like this:
:)
And of course there was the guy taking random pictures of people and places around.
Whats' so strange about it?
Nothing, except he had an analog camera.
An analog camera in 2013, which makes more expensive pics, limited shots, lower quality, no instant feedback on your work... See what I mean by Berlin's hipsters? :)
That's what I didn't like.
But it was a strange feeling, that's also partially what I loved about Berlin.
Maybe I didn't like it because I wasn't there :).
And there were many beautiful girls, many people around in the evening, many viveurs, many things to do... And yes, many pretentious people as well.
Anyway, back to our story.
It was fashion's week and some shops were giving bottles of beer for free. I took 3 back to our table and we ordered a pasta. Much better pasta than what you can find in the average Prague restaurant, and.. This was a bar.
Another point for Berlin! :)
Me and the sista in the meanwhile were enjoying each others company and we were quite alike.
She was smart, open minded, had a great English and.. Was good fun.
I told her we were alike and spent some time just gazing at her without saying anything (pretty powerful). We were both very relaxed and natural around each other.
We started walking and took another 2 beers in another shop (I guess getting drunk during fashion week is free, dumb us who were actually paying :D ).
In the end we were holding hands most of the time and some romance was going on.
She said I was amazing -yeah, you gotta love alcohol talks :D- and too bad I had to leave at 1.
I thought too bad indeed.
THE START UP REVELATION
But wow, despite the disappointment it had been a great day!
The people I met were great, great conversations, great moments and, very important, I was now more sure than ever about what I wanted to do.
I liked being a consultant, I would have liked being in HR, I wanted to grow my career in online marketing.. All fields I loved.
But there was something wrong with the way I thought about them: I always imagined myself in a big, stable company.
Berlin was a damn revelation!
This place was packed of people willing to start something new, to improve the world. The city was full of entrepreneurial, dreamers, hard working people who wanted to succeed but doing so without suits and while also having fun!
Cool people!
Why the hell didn't I think about it before? The start up scene was perfect for me!
I could hear the Sirens calling.. I had to join that!
Beginning of July I went to Berlin.
I was there for an assessment center in an online marketing company.
For a handful of positions there had been 400 applicants.
Makes you think about the state of the European job market a bit :.
Around 14:45 they started calling the final picks.
I was glad that the two prettiest girls had been selected :) and I was waiting for my name to be mentioned but... I wasn't in that list.
It was a bit of a shocking news to be honest.
I had done an AC a couple of years ago and been told I had "strongly impressed the managers", and I was today only more confident and relaxed -even though much less well prepared compared to back then-.
Also except for 2 questions about "which word you can add to these ones to make a new word" I was pretty sure I had done pretty well in the written tests we had been given (data checking; math; IQ; writing).
I had done some similar ones for the European Union too, and had been just 1 point shy of getting through in the most challenging group. Ana, a rumenian girl picked that day, was 2 points away in an easier category.
My interview hadn't been too good as I didn't prepare much, not even the classical "tell me a bit about yourself question".
But it hadn't been too bad either.
Anyway, you should take your time to analyze and take lessons learned, that's very important, but once if there's you shouldn't dwell too long.
One thing that I proudly improved a lot during these months is that of not taking failures too personally, not trying too hard to protect your ego by making excuses, discrediting the choices done by the people that stood in the way to success and all the while... Not losing a healthy self esteem in spite of not having reached the goal.
And anyway, who wanted to join that stupid company, the guys were a bunch of duped sad sacks and it's not even a start up by now!
Yeah, I still need to improve further on not discrediting my assessors.
Ehehehe I'm just kidding of course :)
THE BAR
In the afternoon we went with part of the candidates to get a couple of beers.
One Spanish guy left us early, and so did a Belgian guy in a suit because "he wasn't in the mood".
I then saw him walk away dragging his feet and keeping his head low. I will remember that image for a while as an example of two paths one can take.
I wasn't in a very positive mood myself, but I did a conscious effort to keep walking straight and with my head held high.
Which I held that way even when the guy with a bicycle screamed at me for trying to cross in the wrong spot. And when a girl complained about "people standing on the sidewalk" while she walked around me as I stood on the sidewalk like an idiot, suitcase in hand (any chance she was referring to me? :D ).
Also, I gave myself a some time to keep quietly to myself before starting again to smile and socialize. But eventually that's what I was going to do as soon as possible.
I wished the Spanish and the Belgian guy had done the same, they'd have felt so much better so much sooner, but I didn't want to insist too much.
Indeed we then had great fun at the bar drinking beer and talking and smiling.
And I was a bit teasing a cute girl in the group about her liking me and me going to see her when her BF wasn't there :).
They were really great people, and I think I can say I miss a bit having around me some well learned friends with very good English and with some ambitions.
Towards the end of the evening we were left with just me and a black girl from Portugal.
BERLIN
When she went looking for an ATM I walked around the bar approaching random group of people standing around the shops (it was fashion week).
Some of them were classical Berliner whom I thought were trying a bit too hard to be alternative.
That's what I said to a little group of 3 girls. "But that's just their way to express themselves", protested one as they moved away.
I wonder why they moved away actually, she only looked like this:
:)
And of course there was the guy taking random pictures of people and places around.
Whats' so strange about it?
Nothing, except he had an analog camera.
An analog camera in 2013, which makes more expensive pics, limited shots, lower quality, no instant feedback on your work... See what I mean by Berlin's hipsters? :)
That's what I didn't like.
But it was a strange feeling, that's also partially what I loved about Berlin.
Maybe I didn't like it because I wasn't there :).
And there were many beautiful girls, many people around in the evening, many viveurs, many things to do... And yes, many pretentious people as well.
Anyway, back to our story.
It was fashion's week and some shops were giving bottles of beer for free. I took 3 back to our table and we ordered a pasta. Much better pasta than what you can find in the average Prague restaurant, and.. This was a bar.
Another point for Berlin! :)
Me and the sista in the meanwhile were enjoying each others company and we were quite alike.
She was smart, open minded, had a great English and.. Was good fun.
I told her we were alike and spent some time just gazing at her without saying anything (pretty powerful). We were both very relaxed and natural around each other.
We started walking and took another 2 beers in another shop (I guess getting drunk during fashion week is free, dumb us who were actually paying :D ).
In the end we were holding hands most of the time and some romance was going on.
She said I was amazing -yeah, you gotta love alcohol talks :D- and too bad I had to leave at 1.
I thought too bad indeed.
THE START UP REVELATION
But wow, despite the disappointment it had been a great day!
The people I met were great, great conversations, great moments and, very important, I was now more sure than ever about what I wanted to do.
I liked being a consultant, I would have liked being in HR, I wanted to grow my career in online marketing.. All fields I loved.
But there was something wrong with the way I thought about them: I always imagined myself in a big, stable company.
Berlin was a damn revelation!
This place was packed of people willing to start something new, to improve the world. The city was full of entrepreneurial, dreamers, hard working people who wanted to succeed but doing so without suits and while also having fun!
Cool people!
Why the hell didn't I think about it before? The start up scene was perfect for me!
I could hear the Sirens calling.. I had to join that!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
12 A. - (miss)managing a girl willing a relationship
A. was cute, very nice and polite, brown hair and blue eyes, always with earrings and a tiny piercing on her eyebrow, with a passion for self made jewellery and about to become a pharmacist.
She had a poor English, unluckily.
I met her at the tram stop while she was studying for an exam. And while I was walking around looking for girls.
She more than once inquired "why me".
"Because you looked interesting", I said.
Just because she was cute and on her own, in truth, same thing for many others that same day.
FIRST TIME OUT
We met some days later.
I told her to bring a bottle of wine -I would do the same- and we went to a park near by.
We went back to my place and also ended up making out on the bed but she didn't want to go all the way "because she really wanted to see me again".
Extremely stupid logic, that I tried to counter by some more logic* (remember: logic won't take you far in these occasions, if you ended up here you made mistakes previously. In my case, presenting myself as a potential BF) and by saying that if we didn't feel that kind of attraction as to make love, "we could have been friends".
It worked. But only in the sense that it had a strong impact.
Her face fell and I felt a bastard manipulator.
She was now excusing herself and on the verge on tears as she confessed about her issues trusting men (ex BF and dad that left mommie when she was young and basically gave a fuck about her).
We sat and stared in each other's eyes for a while without saying a word.
I then took her to the bus stop.
God, she was happy.
I think I've never seen an happier girl around me. It was raining and she was jumping on puddles like a young dog who hasn't been out for months.
I was really happy for her, but among all the joyful exhilaration I also knew this one had the potential to cause troubles and pain.
Her text after she left:
"Really I want to say sorry for my Engilsh and for second problem with me and man. But I never stay in man in first date after night and I don't hodnI say you.... bud I don't trust man after my bed experience. So if you want see me again we can meet about the best day for you. I really wanna see you again ;). Anna"
Without feeling any cool about it but only for analysis' sake: any doubt about the balance of power so far?
SECOND TIME
The second time was at my place, I told her to bring something to cook and she cooked something for me. I would put some more stuff to eat and a good Italian wine.
It wasn't the best meal I've ever had, if I have to be frank, but I felt sure this around it was going to fly.
On the bed she said she had her period and didn’t feel comfortable doing it.
I said it was OK for me, I said I actually liked it -a bit of a lie- but nothing.
I stopped, went cold on her and showed I wasn't happy with it.
After that I could remove the panties and I kept insisting, restating that I didn't care about the period, to which she looked at me very sad and said “and what about my feelings”.
Those words thrust my heart like a dagger, I felt she was so right, I was being too selfish in thinking it was OK for her so it should have been OK for her as well.
Many girls don't really care to have sex during the period, as long as the guy is not freaked out, but this wasn't the case, I was wrong..
She might have had real issues in doing it with blood around, at least for the 1st time with me.
After that sentence I felt I did the right thing even more so than on the first occasion, even though being on the bed twice without doing it can be a bit frustrating.
I took her again to the bus stop.
THIRD TIME OUT
As the clichè wants it, it finally happened the third time.
I met her at the bar in front with Speedo. Speedo was quite drunk and I felt he was aaaaa biiit exaggerating in showing his "appreciation" for Anna, especially when she tried my glasses on and said she had a piercing on her belly button (among other things, he turned to me and mimicked a licking action :) ).
After a while I moved her home.
I was once told that people are supposed to look at their best during orgasm, but I never found that to be true.
It was different, though, for A.
Her mouth took a very different shape and her face, which was quite cute in normal times, became amazing. Really amazing, a pleasure to look at.
When we slept, she slept all over me. As I searched for some more space on my own she was getting closer and closer till the point that in a huge bed I was close to falling off. And even when I turned my back, she put her hand on my back.
Just if I needed another proof this had the potentially to be hurtful for us. And mostly for her.
SPILLING THE BEANS
This happened tonight, and as I write I'm back from a night club and a walk around the center.
As we were supposed to meet for something like a 5th time, I believe, I told her she could come over for dinner but that I only had a few hours because I then had to study for a job interview.
"Aha, I thought I was going to stay the whole night", was her reply.
She then asked what she was for me, "a friend, a girlfriend.. ", and I told her I didn't think I was looking for anything serious at the moment, also because chances were I was going to move before the end of the year (true). But I enjoyed my time with her and that I hoped we could have kept seeing each other.
She came, but contrary to my expectations we didn't do it.
She cried a bit.
My big mistakes that night were:
(LACK OF) SEXUALIZATION:
I should have sexualized the interaction before the bed,
removed her skirt before and then moved onto the bed (with everything on it
took too long to remove clothes and it was harder to sexualize and easier
to go the cuddling route.. ).
I had a good thrust when I removed the skirt and following a faked move of "OK, then let's go cook", got on top of her.
FRAME:
I allowed the atmosphere to become one of crying and sadness. She listed other (small) issues she had, also here I made a great move to acknowledge that and then go back to a positive tone.
But I gave up on that effort and I got sucked again into a frame/feeling that wasn’t mine, passively allowing her sad/crying frame to take control.
Huge mistakes.
I remember a long time ago when you I didn't allow an ex to get sad and I didn't buy into her frame of sadness. She then
said that was the best reaction she’s ever had..
I feel pretty sure that if I had kept my positive mood for longer, it would have eventually won and it would have been a great night for both with good sex, a nice dinner and a nice wine.
Compare that to what we actually had: me angry with her for not having had sex and for having saddened me, she much sadder than she was when we first met.
Remember guys: if you aspire at improving at anything, and you should, any time you can have an impact on the events, you should always look at your mistakes and take responsibility for what you didn't do right.
Without being too harsh to yourself, just recognizing your mistakes and aiming at doing better next time.
It's this attitude that will make you great. And you don't owe just to yourself, but to everyone who's around you.
Keep you posted on this story.. :)
*The logic being that it's usually more likely you'll meet again after sex than without having sex and that if you, as a girl, wants to find out if a guy wants to stick with you even after sex, the easiest and quickest way is to juts do it and see it by yourself.
Quicker, you get less attached, you waste less time and resources etc. etc...
So girls, just do it :)
Sunday, May 12, 2013
10 On the importance of words: the 7% fallacy
If you've been working, studying or doing anything loosely related to communication/presentation you've most likely heard that "words are only 7% of the message (of a speaker)".
This would be counter intuitive to any normal thinking person.
But a counter intuitive message can at times present a powerful attraction.
It can make people feel good/superior for having an elite knowledge that runs contrary to what most other people believe.
Last time i heard that sentence was some weeks ago from my former Project Manager, a nice and passionate guy but well renowned for not being the sharpest knife in the drawer in social awareness.
He lecturing my colleague on how he was "seldom inspiring" for lacking contagious passion.
"It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Words are 7% of the message, look at Berlusconi, this idiot, or Hitler, it's not what they say it's *how* they say it".
Joerg never actually realized how his "passionate and inspiring" words were actually 100% efficient... In boring everyone to death :).
And he didn't realize that most people misuse the "7% research".
The 7% is a misunderstanding of two Mehrabian’s experiments.
Two highly artificial and context specific experiments which seemed to show that somebody’s body language and tone of voice account for 93% of our liking for that person and doesn't mean that spoken words only convey 7% of the meaning of any communication.
This is just intuitive.
Imagine you have a warm smile on your face and you put your arm around a person's shoulder, as if you wanted to communicate something friendly. But instead you say "you're an idiot".
Or you do the same to a girl and say "you're a total bitch".
Imagining you could measure their reaction, do you think they'd be 93% glad?
No, they'd look at you, as if you had said something totally wrong (hint: as if :D) and then imagine you'd keep your arm around them and repeated the same offensive words... Do you think they'd nod happily in relief because you are confirming the 93% positivity of your non verbal message?
No, they'd think you're a weirdo.
Because words count more than 7%.
"IT'S ONLY WORDS, BUT WORDS IS ALL I HAVE"...
And now back to how to use words in an interesting way when you know somebody's background.
I was in a big disco in Wenceslaw Square when Speedo told me that the blonde sitting close by was a stripper.
Now you want to come off as nonjudgmental always, in any case. Actually, for a better quality of life, you would want to be nonjudgmental, not just appearing as one.
But you want to be even more markedly and openly so with people on "socially disdained jobs".
And you want to create a connection/understanding and an atmosphere where can people feel understood and free to be themselves.
And to convey your welcoming nature, words can do much more than a mere 7% :).
So when Speedo introduced me I already knew I had to mostly talk about things that would make me stand out as a very open minded person with an atypical lifestyle.
It turned out she had a BF and the conversation got more and more engaging till the topic slid into relationships and sex.
I right away said something like "fucking means nothing, it's jut physical contact, what really matters is a deep connection and understanding. A connection of souls".
Of course, chances she'd agree with that were extremely high, she strips for work and bangs for money.
That single sentence changed a very good conversation into something more.
She took my hand with both hands and laid it on her heart while she kept repeating how true that was and how happy she was to hear that.
She would later ask for my business card a couple of times -which I don't have- and pushed for me to go seeing her at the strip club where by mentioning her name I would have paid everything at half price.
And while I was sideways, her body had completely turned towards my side and her foot was pressed against my calf and then...
;)
Know me, I don't kiss and tell, so I'll leave it at that ;).
Nah, just kidding, then that dick of the boyfriend came back.
Daaaamn :).
She invited me even after the BF was there, but these occasions are either taken that same night -and without BF chances didn't look bad- or never again.
Anyway, back to the main topic, the way you present yourself in terms of clothes, body language, tone of speaking, looks etc. are of course extremely important as well, but... You should never discount words and what they can do in creating a connection and a great atmosphere of openness and sincerity.
But don't take my word for it, listen to the king of Rock and Roll... :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mz9AcdaFUP0
This would be counter intuitive to any normal thinking person.
But a counter intuitive message can at times present a powerful attraction.
It can make people feel good/superior for having an elite knowledge that runs contrary to what most other people believe.
Last time i heard that sentence was some weeks ago from my former Project Manager, a nice and passionate guy but well renowned for not being the sharpest knife in the drawer in social awareness.
He lecturing my colleague on how he was "seldom inspiring" for lacking contagious passion.
"It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Words are 7% of the message, look at Berlusconi, this idiot, or Hitler, it's not what they say it's *how* they say it".
Joerg never actually realized how his "passionate and inspiring" words were actually 100% efficient... In boring everyone to death :).
And he didn't realize that most people misuse the "7% research".
The 7% is a misunderstanding of two Mehrabian’s experiments.
Two highly artificial and context specific experiments which seemed to show that somebody’s body language and tone of voice account for 93% of our liking for that person and doesn't mean that spoken words only convey 7% of the meaning of any communication.
This is just intuitive.
Imagine you have a warm smile on your face and you put your arm around a person's shoulder, as if you wanted to communicate something friendly. But instead you say "you're an idiot".
Or you do the same to a girl and say "you're a total bitch".
Imagining you could measure their reaction, do you think they'd be 93% glad?
No, they'd look at you, as if you had said something totally wrong (hint: as if :D) and then imagine you'd keep your arm around them and repeated the same offensive words... Do you think they'd nod happily in relief because you are confirming the 93% positivity of your non verbal message?
No, they'd think you're a weirdo.
Because words count more than 7%.
"IT'S ONLY WORDS, BUT WORDS IS ALL I HAVE"...
And now back to how to use words in an interesting way when you know somebody's background.
I was in a big disco in Wenceslaw Square when Speedo told me that the blonde sitting close by was a stripper.
Now you want to come off as nonjudgmental always, in any case. Actually, for a better quality of life, you would want to be nonjudgmental, not just appearing as one.
But you want to be even more markedly and openly so with people on "socially disdained jobs".
And you want to create a connection/understanding and an atmosphere where can people feel understood and free to be themselves.
And to convey your welcoming nature, words can do much more than a mere 7% :).
So when Speedo introduced me I already knew I had to mostly talk about things that would make me stand out as a very open minded person with an atypical lifestyle.
It turned out she had a BF and the conversation got more and more engaging till the topic slid into relationships and sex.
I right away said something like "fucking means nothing, it's jut physical contact, what really matters is a deep connection and understanding. A connection of souls".
Of course, chances she'd agree with that were extremely high, she strips for work and bangs for money.
That single sentence changed a very good conversation into something more.
She took my hand with both hands and laid it on her heart while she kept repeating how true that was and how happy she was to hear that.
She would later ask for my business card a couple of times -which I don't have- and pushed for me to go seeing her at the strip club where by mentioning her name I would have paid everything at half price.
And while I was sideways, her body had completely turned towards my side and her foot was pressed against my calf and then...
;)
Know me, I don't kiss and tell, so I'll leave it at that ;).
Nah, just kidding, then that dick of the boyfriend came back.
Daaaamn :).
She invited me even after the BF was there, but these occasions are either taken that same night -and without BF chances didn't look bad- or never again.
Anyway, back to the main topic, the way you present yourself in terms of clothes, body language, tone of speaking, looks etc. are of course extremely important as well, but... You should never discount words and what they can do in creating a connection and a great atmosphere of openness and sincerity.
But don't take my word for it, listen to the king of Rock and Roll... :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mz9AcdaFUP0
Saturday, May 11, 2013
9 Last Friday night
I went out Friday to meet Anwar and Speedo in Legenda -our usual bar- at around 10:30.
Rather early for me when I know I will likely be staying out for long.
I was surprised of not seeing the guys in the usual spot, at the shorter end of the bar.
I guess that place was taken and they were also eating something, so they had to settle for a "normal" table :).
THE VIETNAMESE GIRL
A hot Vietnamese girl named Aisha I had met some days before in a club* text me asking if we want to meet in some bar and I tell her to come to Legenda.
She says she's with 2 friends and at that point I thought I should have declined.
And I should have declined. Never invite a girl with friends with your friends.
But I didn't decline.
Instead, I tell her to come over because it's fun.
Big mistake.
When I go pick her up at the metro station I recognize right away her bitchy friend who was there the first time I met her.
Aisha was really hot, bright red lipstick and her tiny beautiful body adorned with a tight black dress ending around the middle of her thighs. Black semi transparent sexy stockings.
After I introduce them to my friend they leave for the toilet, without saying anything.
I could see right away this had extremely high chances of going to be bad.
The girls were fancy and all dressed up.
Anwar always dresses sloppily and Speedo is always informal.
The girls go to the toiled and my friends think they left. Anwar, drunk as it's often the case, goes into an extreme paranoid phase blaming himself.
Anwar has a bit of a low self esteem.
He says "sorry sorry sorry, she was perfect for you, they've seen me and left. They've seen my ugly face and went away".
They actually come back and we all sit in an extremely awkward situation.
I'd have been happier if they had left.
Anwar is not saying a word, one of the girls doesn't speak English at all and, the bitchy one only confirms how unfriendly she is and, worst of all, she expects us to buy drinks.
My friends don't have much money and they righteously wouldn't pay to semi-unknown, un-reactive girls anyway.
I would definitely pay for Aisha, I invited her and she's a student, but certainly I'm not going to pay for the 3 of them.
The bitchy friends pushes for us to pay drink till the point that I'm with her at the bar and I gotta make it explicit I'm not gonna pay.
Then I go to the toilet and they leave without saying bye.
I should have known better.
I knew better, actually, but I went for it anyway hoping against hope I was wrong and her friends would have been cool.
I should have said "no" and proposed to meet on a 1-1 basis another day.
This will be the last time I meet a girl I'm interested in romantically when her friends and/or my friends are around. At least when we're talking about first meet up.
You never finish to improve :).
Anwar
Anwar swings to the other extreme now. He's so jubilant he can't control himself.
Now he says that he said "sorry" because he knew it was going to be like this and he "wanted me to make the experience myself".
Sure Anwar, sure :).
Anwar's got this issue, he's got a wife, he's not OK with cheating, which I actually think it's great, and he's mostly out for fun and to spend time with me and Speedo, his only 2 close friends.
So, in a way, we are bound by our different priorities to have a different vision for our evenings and it's normal he feels cut out when we are with girls.
And some other times he makes us unhappy by destroying our interactions :)
*Funny thing is, even party Vietnamese girl are apparently closed to new encounters.
I spotted her with her friend at the bar of a club at around 3AM and quickly decided I wasn't gonna leave without having said hi.
So I go there and start chatting up while her friend does some translations as her English was horrible. I tell her we should meet one day for a drink and she says "but I don't even know you". Ehehehe one should wonder why the fuck one is going to a club for, if not for meeting new people :).
Her idiot of a friend also adds that "it's dangerous".
ANWAR THE COCKBLOCKER
Two blondes are coming by and I tell Speedo to get ready to stop them.
Speedo stops them physically by grabbing her arm.
Another classic from Speedo that I loved :D.
Then as they try to steam ahead Speedo joking hangs on to the umbrella they were carrying.
They are laughing and smiling and seem on the verge of actually staying and sit with us.
And what does Anwar do?
He goes there and physically help the girl to get rid of Speedo's hold while telling them they can go.
Anwar often came in between us and messed things up, but this was the first time it was done in such a blatant physical way and I couldn't help but laughing thinking about the oncoming Speedo's reaction :D :D.
As Speedo screamed with a smile loudly and on a loop "why did you do that"Anwar realized that was a bad bad move from him and ran to get us a beer.
To Speedo, that was the final proof that Anwar tells he's from Honduras, but that he's actually Arabic (Anwar's father is arab).
As you might have guessed, Speedo doesn't have a very good opinion of Arabs, saying they are all jealous, backstabbers, hellbent in destroying other people's chances rather than helping or minding their businesses.
Later I went back to the two blondes and brought them at the table.
Just for informational purpose, they were asking for a lighter and I joking said, of course, "we have so many at our table". And guess what did Anwar do? He gave them fire so erasing a reason/excuse for them to come.
Talking about learning from mistakes :D
TWO GIRLS AND CHANGING BAR
As we were talking about moving to another, Speedo told me there were two girls behind the wall. I went to check and... Not too bad. I said hi, introduced, and asked if I could sit with them while I was already actually in the process of sitting.
Speedo followed suit.
I put my left arm around the girl's neck quite soon, but she was annoyed every time I tried to take it one small step further by laying my left hand on her shoulder/upper arm.
The conversation was not too bad and after an half an hour or so we were holding hands at times but she still was protesting when I rest my left hand on her.
Once we were out of the place we tried to break them apart and pull them without going to the other place at all, but they clinched to each other so we were forced to actually go to the other place.
On the way, my girl was resisting us holding hands, but gave in and we were holding hands for the most part. Still, every time we broke apart, it was a struggle to get us physically closer again.
On the other bar, they got a drink and we make the mistake of not getting a drink for us. I am dumb enough to even sip from her drink.
I feel she's a bit more distant now and try to escalate physically a bit harder and quicker. She protests but keeps staying there.
I stop.
And then wash, rinse and repeat.
Again some protests, and at times it feels like she's enjoying it, at times it feels like she really means it to stop.
Speedo in the meanwhile has her girl's leg on his leg. As often the case, he is mostly talking though, no touching and no escalation. I wonder how he does that, she doesn't speak any English and he's certainly not proficient in the local language.
There are some good moments of staring and interlocking of gazes with our lips close between me and my girl, so I go for the kiss and after another couple of protests I'm tired of these games and decide to freeze her out.
I tell her "you're boring" and withdraw my arm from her neck and cross my arms on my chest, while looking away.
Now if she wants to keep going, it's her time to do something and show some interest.
She's completely taken aback and completely dumbstruck. She definitely didn't see it coming :).
She says "oh you silly boy" and another couple of sentences to reel me back in, but it's not enough, I want either something physical or a more open statement of interest. So I keep staying closed off.
She turns around, start to animatedly talking to Speedo and to her friend, there's some physical wrestling going on around I don't know what. I don't understand what they're talking about and don't intervene.
After a while she grabs her friend and drags her away.
After a little less than 2h together and 2 bars, they go suddenly and without saying bye.
Well, minds chances and by keep going you might able to turn things around, but I was tired of it and if they left, chances are nothing would have happened anyway and possibly my freeze out only made things happen more quickly.
Good riddance.
TWO GIRLS BEFORE BAR CLOSE
We move to the other side of the bar, two girls are sitting there. One is the one Speedo goes to talk to, a normal looking, not physically bad looking girl.
One looks like a cheap wanna be bimbo with a good slender body but a weird not attractive face and bleached hair. She's very drunk and she even had the gall to say "I'm thirsty". She's the one I have to sit with, damn you Speedo :D.
I would have much rather preferred going to Nebe, there's usually a bigger selection of girls and you can find pretty ones there.
But as usual, Speedo start talking and talking.
It's around 4 now, the bimbo is wasted and I assume she's dumb.
I don't even think about wasting my time with talking, I wouldn't have much to tell her and not much interested in what she's go to say anyway.
So I don't talk.
I mainly sit there, barely and briefly answer when asked something, stare at her with a half frown and a slight smile on my face when she looks at me and... Physically escalate as much as possible for being in a public bar.
She's not up much for it, but that certainly doesn't get me talkative.
We often stare at each other.
I keep going at it again from time to time: hands on her thighs, around her body, my hand and my fingers sliding on her back when she's leaning in to speak to her friends etc.. )
At a certain point the girl talking to Speedo must have felt weird for my taciturn, feely presence in front of her eyes as I hear Speedo tell her not to mind us :D.
Anyway, we leave the place walking towards our former place.
My girl has her friend on one side and me holding her hand on the other side. She's drunk and swaying left and right from time to time.
After a while Speedo get the other girls and it's just the two of us walking hand in hand.
I'm thinking I'll lead to my place, of course. I would have done her for sure, she had a good body, but I wasn't looking that much forward for it, her face wasn't good and maybe most important of all, my experience with extremely drunk girls is... Well, I can't remember any actually but I can imagine it not being too great.
Ehehe just kidding, it's been an experience of a rather poor enjoyment between the bedsheets.
Also, thinking of her waking up in the morning at my place wasn't a good one, she was trashy and rough.
Anyway, as my girl says she's actually taking the tram and I'm starting to pull and insist a bit more, I see Speedo emerging from the metro.
He didn't actually go with the girl. Damn! So I "let mine free" to actually take the oncoming tram.
Speedo told me it was stupid of me and I should have taken that opportunity and stopped her.
I said it was OK and didn't understand why he hadn't gone with her, but once again there was not much time for talking and clarifying, we walk in front of an open club and go in...
3rd CLUB
We enter in an half empty bad as Speedo moves on a girl. She's not good looking and neither is her friend.
Damn Speedo, it's great to have when there are some good looking girls in a group as he always leaves them to me, but it's bad to have Speedo when there are only less attractive ones as he goes anyway.
But as I sit on the stool I see a rather good looking one and I beckon her to me.
She comes.
I move her close to me, between me and the other stool occupied by Speedo's girl. She's very drunk.
This is very good, when you can get a girl coming to you by just waving your hand it's a great start (remember this situation here and compare it to later, on how environment has a huge impact on actions and reactions).
I tell her to come with me to another couch. She follows me (Speedo goes to the dance floor with the other girl).
This is another great thing, a girl following you is a great signal.
It shows she's invested in you.
Also, you are the moving her around, you're in the leader position and she's following you, that's also great.
And last but not least, she's complying to a request of yours, sets a dynamic of you introducing option(s) and she accepting it. It also sets a precedent for eventually later on, when you'll invite her back home.
I move my hands around her, no resistance at all.
She's Austrian, and didn't like me guessing she was German as, she says, it's offensive for an Austrian and Austria is the best nation ever.
Man I was living in Vienna and was greatly annoyed by those people's attitude towards Germans. I had already had my fill of that spiteful attitude.
Fuck you, you German hater Austrians! :)
The club closed soon after anyway.
Now the dynamics were all changing, the girls got all together and the bartenders were explaining how to get to an after hour club.
The girls were after the bartenders for (more?) free drinks. Man, what a bunch of sleazy people you tend to meet in night clubs!
THE AFTER HOUR SLEAZY BAR
Well, I said I didn't wanna go, but we kept walking and in the end ended up there.
If you can meet some sleazy people at clubs' closing time, after hours clubs are the cream of the crop of the sleazy ones.
The sleaziest of the sleaziest :D.
A guy opened the toilet asking for a credit card.
A woman went out of the toilet screaming at the queue "are you here to pee or for drugs".
She was there for BJs, I guess :).
It was a woman we had met with a guy on our way there. She had part of her jeans tore up on her buttocks and you could see half her ass.
Speedo took a nap while I moved around looking for... Guess what? Not much good stuff around though. I seemed to sense some interest for possibly the only cute blonde girl who didn't look too trashy but her friend arrived.
In the meanwhile the woman with the tore up jeans was giving blow jobs in series in the toilet.
The usual English drunk idiot had to make it known publicly and loud she was in the toilet, don't know what happened, but the girl was telling him to stop it because he was being way too rude.
I mean, OK, you might label her in your head with non-endearing terms for openly going to the toilet with a host of different people, or you might think of her as non girlfriend material, but... I tend not to judge people and, do you have to call her out on that, or being a jerk to her for that?
She actually seemed a very friendly person to me.
Anyway, I didn't stand in the queue for her free services :D.
Speedo did though :D.
Don't know how it went for him, I went back home at around 8:30.
GETTING MY FILL OF NIGHT'S LIFE
I was getting a bit fed up of night life.
Maybe it was because of oversupply, or maybe because I was growing old.
Most likely a mixture of the two, but I'm glad about it. In a way, I dreaded I would end up like those 40YO standing in shabby night clubs and after hours joints looking for girls.
I remember quite a few of them in the Krakow's clubs when I was doing my Erasmus.
And damn, they truly seemed to be always Italians :S.
Coming back very late also bothered me quite a bit because it meant I would have lost a big chunk of the day.
Now I wanted to go out in daytime. In daytime you meet a mix of girls, some party girls and nice and well educate ones. The whole spectrum is out there.
But in night time and clubs you tend to meet more of a certain kind of girls. Not judging them, but you miss out on diversity, and diversity is great.
UPDATE:
Yes, Legenda was haunting me, I was there too often and I still longed fro open air.
But I went out to check out some places and I gotta tell you... I actually love night clubs :D (will write about it later on).
It's just that I wanted to have both, night and day, and possibly avoid the sleaziest places. Of those, I had definitely had my fill, but bars and nice clubs... Hell why not? It's a great place to jump around, unwind a bit, meet people who are actually out there to let go and meet people and... Have fun :).
And you don't have to go bed at 9, if you haven't found a girl by most normal club's closing time, you can safely go home and still have plenty of time to sleep and enjoy the afternoon the day after :).
WEATHER
So far there wasn't much to enjoy in daytime though.
I remember friends in Italy complaining on those rainy or cloudy days and saying they'd prefer sunny days even if they had to stay home.
I couldn't understand that and couldn't give a damn about the weather.
That was back in the Old Country though.
Here, I could understand it.
We've had months and months of winter and now, half of May... Just a handful of sunny day and again and again clouds and clouds everyday.
Damn it!
OK, it can't always rain (so Noah said, goes the joke :)
Rather early for me when I know I will likely be staying out for long.
I was surprised of not seeing the guys in the usual spot, at the shorter end of the bar.
I guess that place was taken and they were also eating something, so they had to settle for a "normal" table :).
THE VIETNAMESE GIRL
A hot Vietnamese girl named Aisha I had met some days before in a club* text me asking if we want to meet in some bar and I tell her to come to Legenda.
She says she's with 2 friends and at that point I thought I should have declined.
And I should have declined. Never invite a girl with friends with your friends.
But I didn't decline.
Instead, I tell her to come over because it's fun.
Big mistake.
When I go pick her up at the metro station I recognize right away her bitchy friend who was there the first time I met her.
Aisha was really hot, bright red lipstick and her tiny beautiful body adorned with a tight black dress ending around the middle of her thighs. Black semi transparent sexy stockings.
After I introduce them to my friend they leave for the toilet, without saying anything.
I could see right away this had extremely high chances of going to be bad.
The girls were fancy and all dressed up.
Anwar always dresses sloppily and Speedo is always informal.
The girls go to the toiled and my friends think they left. Anwar, drunk as it's often the case, goes into an extreme paranoid phase blaming himself.
Anwar has a bit of a low self esteem.
He says "sorry sorry sorry, she was perfect for you, they've seen me and left. They've seen my ugly face and went away".
They actually come back and we all sit in an extremely awkward situation.
I'd have been happier if they had left.
Anwar is not saying a word, one of the girls doesn't speak English at all and, the bitchy one only confirms how unfriendly she is and, worst of all, she expects us to buy drinks.
My friends don't have much money and they righteously wouldn't pay to semi-unknown, un-reactive girls anyway.
I would definitely pay for Aisha, I invited her and she's a student, but certainly I'm not going to pay for the 3 of them.
The bitchy friends pushes for us to pay drink till the point that I'm with her at the bar and I gotta make it explicit I'm not gonna pay.
Then I go to the toilet and they leave without saying bye.
I should have known better.
I knew better, actually, but I went for it anyway hoping against hope I was wrong and her friends would have been cool.
I should have said "no" and proposed to meet on a 1-1 basis another day.
This will be the last time I meet a girl I'm interested in romantically when her friends and/or my friends are around. At least when we're talking about first meet up.
You never finish to improve :).
Anwar
Anwar swings to the other extreme now. He's so jubilant he can't control himself.
Now he says that he said "sorry" because he knew it was going to be like this and he "wanted me to make the experience myself".
Sure Anwar, sure :).
Anwar's got this issue, he's got a wife, he's not OK with cheating, which I actually think it's great, and he's mostly out for fun and to spend time with me and Speedo, his only 2 close friends.
So, in a way, we are bound by our different priorities to have a different vision for our evenings and it's normal he feels cut out when we are with girls.
And some other times he makes us unhappy by destroying our interactions :)
*Funny thing is, even party Vietnamese girl are apparently closed to new encounters.
I spotted her with her friend at the bar of a club at around 3AM and quickly decided I wasn't gonna leave without having said hi.
So I go there and start chatting up while her friend does some translations as her English was horrible. I tell her we should meet one day for a drink and she says "but I don't even know you". Ehehehe one should wonder why the fuck one is going to a club for, if not for meeting new people :).
Her idiot of a friend also adds that "it's dangerous".
ANWAR THE COCKBLOCKER
Two blondes are coming by and I tell Speedo to get ready to stop them.
Speedo stops them physically by grabbing her arm.
Another classic from Speedo that I loved :D.
Then as they try to steam ahead Speedo joking hangs on to the umbrella they were carrying.
They are laughing and smiling and seem on the verge of actually staying and sit with us.
And what does Anwar do?
He goes there and physically help the girl to get rid of Speedo's hold while telling them they can go.
Anwar often came in between us and messed things up, but this was the first time it was done in such a blatant physical way and I couldn't help but laughing thinking about the oncoming Speedo's reaction :D :D.
As Speedo screamed with a smile loudly and on a loop "why did you do that"Anwar realized that was a bad bad move from him and ran to get us a beer.
To Speedo, that was the final proof that Anwar tells he's from Honduras, but that he's actually Arabic (Anwar's father is arab).
As you might have guessed, Speedo doesn't have a very good opinion of Arabs, saying they are all jealous, backstabbers, hellbent in destroying other people's chances rather than helping or minding their businesses.
Later I went back to the two blondes and brought them at the table.
Just for informational purpose, they were asking for a lighter and I joking said, of course, "we have so many at our table". And guess what did Anwar do? He gave them fire so erasing a reason/excuse for them to come.
Talking about learning from mistakes :D
TWO GIRLS AND CHANGING BAR
As we were talking about moving to another, Speedo told me there were two girls behind the wall. I went to check and... Not too bad. I said hi, introduced, and asked if I could sit with them while I was already actually in the process of sitting.
Speedo followed suit.
I put my left arm around the girl's neck quite soon, but she was annoyed every time I tried to take it one small step further by laying my left hand on her shoulder/upper arm.
The conversation was not too bad and after an half an hour or so we were holding hands at times but she still was protesting when I rest my left hand on her.
Once we were out of the place we tried to break them apart and pull them without going to the other place at all, but they clinched to each other so we were forced to actually go to the other place.
On the way, my girl was resisting us holding hands, but gave in and we were holding hands for the most part. Still, every time we broke apart, it was a struggle to get us physically closer again.
On the other bar, they got a drink and we make the mistake of not getting a drink for us. I am dumb enough to even sip from her drink.
I feel she's a bit more distant now and try to escalate physically a bit harder and quicker. She protests but keeps staying there.
I stop.
And then wash, rinse and repeat.
Again some protests, and at times it feels like she's enjoying it, at times it feels like she really means it to stop.
Speedo in the meanwhile has her girl's leg on his leg. As often the case, he is mostly talking though, no touching and no escalation. I wonder how he does that, she doesn't speak any English and he's certainly not proficient in the local language.
There are some good moments of staring and interlocking of gazes with our lips close between me and my girl, so I go for the kiss and after another couple of protests I'm tired of these games and decide to freeze her out.
I tell her "you're boring" and withdraw my arm from her neck and cross my arms on my chest, while looking away.
Now if she wants to keep going, it's her time to do something and show some interest.
She's completely taken aback and completely dumbstruck. She definitely didn't see it coming :).
She says "oh you silly boy" and another couple of sentences to reel me back in, but it's not enough, I want either something physical or a more open statement of interest. So I keep staying closed off.
She turns around, start to animatedly talking to Speedo and to her friend, there's some physical wrestling going on around I don't know what. I don't understand what they're talking about and don't intervene.
After a while she grabs her friend and drags her away.
After a little less than 2h together and 2 bars, they go suddenly and without saying bye.
Well, minds chances and by keep going you might able to turn things around, but I was tired of it and if they left, chances are nothing would have happened anyway and possibly my freeze out only made things happen more quickly.
Good riddance.
TWO GIRLS BEFORE BAR CLOSE
We move to the other side of the bar, two girls are sitting there. One is the one Speedo goes to talk to, a normal looking, not physically bad looking girl.
One looks like a cheap wanna be bimbo with a good slender body but a weird not attractive face and bleached hair. She's very drunk and she even had the gall to say "I'm thirsty". She's the one I have to sit with, damn you Speedo :D.
I would have much rather preferred going to Nebe, there's usually a bigger selection of girls and you can find pretty ones there.
But as usual, Speedo start talking and talking.
It's around 4 now, the bimbo is wasted and I assume she's dumb.
I don't even think about wasting my time with talking, I wouldn't have much to tell her and not much interested in what she's go to say anyway.
So I don't talk.
I mainly sit there, barely and briefly answer when asked something, stare at her with a half frown and a slight smile on my face when she looks at me and... Physically escalate as much as possible for being in a public bar.
She's not up much for it, but that certainly doesn't get me talkative.
We often stare at each other.
I keep going at it again from time to time: hands on her thighs, around her body, my hand and my fingers sliding on her back when she's leaning in to speak to her friends etc.. )
At a certain point the girl talking to Speedo must have felt weird for my taciturn, feely presence in front of her eyes as I hear Speedo tell her not to mind us :D.
Anyway, we leave the place walking towards our former place.
My girl has her friend on one side and me holding her hand on the other side. She's drunk and swaying left and right from time to time.
After a while Speedo get the other girls and it's just the two of us walking hand in hand.
I'm thinking I'll lead to my place, of course. I would have done her for sure, she had a good body, but I wasn't looking that much forward for it, her face wasn't good and maybe most important of all, my experience with extremely drunk girls is... Well, I can't remember any actually but I can imagine it not being too great.
Ehehe just kidding, it's been an experience of a rather poor enjoyment between the bedsheets.
Also, thinking of her waking up in the morning at my place wasn't a good one, she was trashy and rough.
Anyway, as my girl says she's actually taking the tram and I'm starting to pull and insist a bit more, I see Speedo emerging from the metro.
He didn't actually go with the girl. Damn! So I "let mine free" to actually take the oncoming tram.
Speedo told me it was stupid of me and I should have taken that opportunity and stopped her.
I said it was OK and didn't understand why he hadn't gone with her, but once again there was not much time for talking and clarifying, we walk in front of an open club and go in...
3rd CLUB
We enter in an half empty bad as Speedo moves on a girl. She's not good looking and neither is her friend.
Damn Speedo, it's great to have when there are some good looking girls in a group as he always leaves them to me, but it's bad to have Speedo when there are only less attractive ones as he goes anyway.
But as I sit on the stool I see a rather good looking one and I beckon her to me.
She comes.
I move her close to me, between me and the other stool occupied by Speedo's girl. She's very drunk.
This is very good, when you can get a girl coming to you by just waving your hand it's a great start (remember this situation here and compare it to later, on how environment has a huge impact on actions and reactions).
I tell her to come with me to another couch. She follows me (Speedo goes to the dance floor with the other girl).
This is another great thing, a girl following you is a great signal.
It shows she's invested in you.
Also, you are the moving her around, you're in the leader position and she's following you, that's also great.
And last but not least, she's complying to a request of yours, sets a dynamic of you introducing option(s) and she accepting it. It also sets a precedent for eventually later on, when you'll invite her back home.
I move my hands around her, no resistance at all.
She's Austrian, and didn't like me guessing she was German as, she says, it's offensive for an Austrian and Austria is the best nation ever.
Man I was living in Vienna and was greatly annoyed by those people's attitude towards Germans. I had already had my fill of that spiteful attitude.
Fuck you, you German hater Austrians! :)
The club closed soon after anyway.
Now the dynamics were all changing, the girls got all together and the bartenders were explaining how to get to an after hour club.
The girls were after the bartenders for (more?) free drinks. Man, what a bunch of sleazy people you tend to meet in night clubs!
THE AFTER HOUR SLEAZY BAR
Well, I said I didn't wanna go, but we kept walking and in the end ended up there.
If you can meet some sleazy people at clubs' closing time, after hours clubs are the cream of the crop of the sleazy ones.
The sleaziest of the sleaziest :D.
A guy opened the toilet asking for a credit card.
A woman went out of the toilet screaming at the queue "are you here to pee or for drugs".
She was there for BJs, I guess :).
It was a woman we had met with a guy on our way there. She had part of her jeans tore up on her buttocks and you could see half her ass.
Speedo took a nap while I moved around looking for... Guess what? Not much good stuff around though. I seemed to sense some interest for possibly the only cute blonde girl who didn't look too trashy but her friend arrived.
In the meanwhile the woman with the tore up jeans was giving blow jobs in series in the toilet.
The usual English drunk idiot had to make it known publicly and loud she was in the toilet, don't know what happened, but the girl was telling him to stop it because he was being way too rude.
I mean, OK, you might label her in your head with non-endearing terms for openly going to the toilet with a host of different people, or you might think of her as non girlfriend material, but... I tend not to judge people and, do you have to call her out on that, or being a jerk to her for that?
She actually seemed a very friendly person to me.
Anyway, I didn't stand in the queue for her free services :D.
Speedo did though :D.
Don't know how it went for him, I went back home at around 8:30.
GETTING MY FILL OF NIGHT'S LIFE
I was getting a bit fed up of night life.
Maybe it was because of oversupply, or maybe because I was growing old.
Most likely a mixture of the two, but I'm glad about it. In a way, I dreaded I would end up like those 40YO standing in shabby night clubs and after hours joints looking for girls.
I remember quite a few of them in the Krakow's clubs when I was doing my Erasmus.
And damn, they truly seemed to be always Italians :S.
Coming back very late also bothered me quite a bit because it meant I would have lost a big chunk of the day.
Now I wanted to go out in daytime. In daytime you meet a mix of girls, some party girls and nice and well educate ones. The whole spectrum is out there.
But in night time and clubs you tend to meet more of a certain kind of girls. Not judging them, but you miss out on diversity, and diversity is great.
UPDATE:
Yes, Legenda was haunting me, I was there too often and I still longed fro open air.
But I went out to check out some places and I gotta tell you... I actually love night clubs :D (will write about it later on).
It's just that I wanted to have both, night and day, and possibly avoid the sleaziest places. Of those, I had definitely had my fill, but bars and nice clubs... Hell why not? It's a great place to jump around, unwind a bit, meet people who are actually out there to let go and meet people and... Have fun :).
And you don't have to go bed at 9, if you haven't found a girl by most normal club's closing time, you can safely go home and still have plenty of time to sleep and enjoy the afternoon the day after :).
WEATHER
So far there wasn't much to enjoy in daytime though.
I remember friends in Italy complaining on those rainy or cloudy days and saying they'd prefer sunny days even if they had to stay home.
I couldn't understand that and couldn't give a damn about the weather.
That was back in the Old Country though.
Here, I could understand it.
We've had months and months of winter and now, half of May... Just a handful of sunny day and again and again clouds and clouds everyday.
Damn it!
OK, it can't always rain (so Noah said, goes the joke :)
Thursday, May 9, 2013
8 useless day at the mall and lessons leaerned
Met with a former colleague for lunch today.
I was looking forward to it, and not just because he's a nice guy.
Also because malls usually are filled with cute girls.
So I wore my Versace jeans, my Botticelli shoes, my Bottega del Sarto blue shirt and off I went.
The mall wasn't really full of cute girls unluckily.
Maybe it's because it's getting warmer, it's middle of the week day, the mall is a bit out of the way and the time was bad but whatever the reason... There certainly weren't many people and many cute girls.
THE MISSED TARGET -The bane of my existence-
As soon as I arrived there was a stunning young girl in shorts made out of jeans (gotta love those coupled with nice legs!), black hair but deep, lively blue eyes. Gotta love the youthful energy! :D
I was with my colleague at the top of the escalator when I saw her and I don't know my colleague that well. Not at a close friend level. Not at a level I can leave him to chase girls point blank. The girls were taking the escalator in the other direction. My colleague was talking to me and we were almost at destination, so it seemed rude to take off for some minutes without explanation.
On second thought, what's rude is letting those nice chances go to waste...
Anyway, after lunch I started walking around.
Wasn't interested much in clothes, I don't wanna sound too snobbish but I have a really hard time finding something really nice here around Prague.
THE BLONDE YOUNG ONE
As I wandered aimlessly I saw a really cute blonde girl, blue eyes, shorts with stockings. Not too sexy stockings and not even too sexy shorts to be honest. From the side I could see she had braces. You know, some kind of thick braces can make your mouth look a bit weird. This was one of those cases.
But I was glad I stopped her anyway, her face was angelic her eyes amazing.
I tap her on the arm and as she turns I look at her for a couple of seconds with a slight smile, she smiling even wider. Then I ask, coolly and slowly, "do you speak English".
She did, and then asked if she was "at least 18", to which she inquired back why I was asking, in a very smiley way, you could definitely see she was very involved and drawn by the interaction. I asked if the kid close to her was her younger sister, to which I said ciao with a smile, only to receive a half-scared/half curious stare back :). Then I prodded again for her age. She was 16, to which I said too young, have a great day.
May I now say that I regret to have left? :)
16 is legal here, with hindsight I might have asked "so what would your parent say if we'd meet for a drink". If she seemed hesitant I'd have left, if she seemed happy to meet... Then why not. She's older than half my age after all :D.
When I have regrets with girls I don't like, mostly related to missed one night stands for this or that mistake or for this or that unlucky circumstance, usually I don't mind.
But if I regrets for girls I really like... Those torture me.
I guess I'm a very competitive guy used to get it his way more times than not, so I flog myself when I miss something or when I lose.
THE FAMILY OF VIETCONGS
Then I saw a Vietnamese girl, which these days represent my main target (previously my perfect target was: small, blonde, thin, beautiful/angelic face, blue eyes).
She was walking maybe 5 meters behind an older woman and a kid. They were holding the same bag from the same shop. Doesn't take a genius to see they were possibly a family, but she didn't look too young so hey.. I gave it a try.
She didn't speak English so rather than replying to me she called what I think was her mom to talk to me in English :D. Daaaamn :D.
I said "Hi, you're really young and still great looking to be a mother. I'd like to have you both in my bed".
Just kidding, I just said "Hi, I actually just wanted to say hi to your friend" (what a masterclass saying "to your friend" :D ). She smiled and didn't reply anything.
"Nice meeting you" I said with a broad smile and was off.
THE VIETCONG WITH A BF
On the way back I met another Vietnamese out of the metro.
She wasn't particularly cute so I didn't mind too much when she said she was going to meet her BF.
Then I took the stairs rather than the escalator. This is a new thing I started doing. When I take the escalator and I see some cute girls coming down I have a hard time finishing the ride and then chasing back, so it's easier taking the stairs and scanning for the people coming towards you :).
But nothing good was coming down.
Then I walked around IP Pavlova for some last minute target, but nothing.
Fucking useless afternoon, goddamit :).
But wait... There are some...
LESSONS LEARNED
Not sure whether it's a real, clear cut case of lessons learned but I could see some patterns emerging.
I rebuff the idea that it's just a matter of age.
A lot of it can be ascribed to confidence, experience, personality, mood, social intelligence, command of the language and also culture (for example, here Vietnamese girls tend to be much shier, scared and "lost" then native Prague girls no matter the age)
However, on average, it's more likely that you will have a more confident and socially experienced girl at an older age than at a younger one.
So to make matter simpler I will divide here by age, but just keep in mind that the variables are wider and that it's not so clear cut.
Also, obviously, these are two extremes on a continuum, but it can be useful to keep in mind where you should be slotting your interaction :).
TO BE LED
With younger (/shy/inexperienced/from secluded minorities/not from the city/ socially un-savvy/Sunday etc. etc.) girls, interest (and possibly also attraction) seems to be more commonly sky high since the beginning.
They are a bit shy and scaried, thought most of the times they are enjoying the interaction very much.
It's very likely one of the first if not the first time they receive this kind of direct male approach in day time -if not at any time in the fringe cases- and, in my case, to make things even more uncommon and strange, they are also speaking in a foreign language.
They are often a bit confused, waiting to be led and you should take total charge of the interaction. In a gentle way.
I remember one girl in particular, telling me "I don't know" to very basic questions I was asking simply because she was completely out of her comfort zone.
It was a bit like:
-I feel you're a bit nervous, is it the first somebody talks to you in the street.
-"Yes. No. I don't know"
-Are you waiting for the tram
-I don't know
:D
In these kind of situations you shouldn't actually go too direct/confident/dominant as you don't need to be.
Actually, you might risk of scaring them and you don't really need to come off as the dominant one right off the bat to actually lead the interaction.
You're gonna lead it anyway.
Why you don't need is simple, in a way.
Let's make it in math: if one a scale from -10 to 10 you go in as a 7 in confidence and she's a -2 (such as, she's scared/lost or similar), that could be too big of a difference and she might feel threatened.
So don't go in with an approach of the kind "Hi, I gotta talk to you" as if there were no other options for her.
Don't set yourself too high as the guy who needs to be chased "so I might ring you now, but please don't start sexting me at nights".
Smile more, be more friendly, give her time to get used to you.
TO BE TAMED -and led-
At the other end of the spectrum, far away from the kitten, there's the cougar.
This is usually for a bit older/hot/very confident/socially savvy/dominant/careerest/rich/popular/well educated/party girl/rough (yes, it can also be that if you approach tattoed, street scarred druggies and drunks :D) etc. etc. kind of girls.
I have the feeling that the more dominant you go in, the better impression you can make.
Again with the mathematical example, if you go in as a 7 in confidence and she's an 8, you won't make a strong impression, you won't be strong enough to lead and either nobody will or she'll have to take the rains and she will feel you're not good enough for her.
Even if you get on with her, it will be on her terms.
I mean, it can be also good at times and she wants it, but this is never the default interaction you wanna have: whatever the feminists tell you, a man who has to be led is never a sexy man.
You will find out pretty soon if you're in front of a girl/woman who knows her business.
It happened to me once, I went in a bit weak and I really felt in my guts that I had started with the wrong foot, that wasn't on top of the interaction and I couldn't even recover much*.
I think in these cases, calling her out on it, telling her "you're pretty dominant and self assured, aren't you" might give you some points on social savvyness.
In any case, make no mistake, you should always go in confident and lead, just calibrate the level of assertion and confidence you need to to use.
Which, of course,doesn't mean being a jerk. I smile most of the times.
*By the way, funny thing is, I've seen that girl again that evening later on and we were a bit more on an equal footing.
I've seen her again weeks later and still remembered her name. Called her and told her to please stop stalking me :). Then when I've seen her out of the bar, me on my own her with her friend, she smiled a me and said "I'm not stalking you". That time it was definitely me the top dog. And if I'll see her again I'll definitely try to sexualize and update you on it :D
I was looking forward to it, and not just because he's a nice guy.
Also because malls usually are filled with cute girls.
So I wore my Versace jeans, my Botticelli shoes, my Bottega del Sarto blue shirt and off I went.
The mall wasn't really full of cute girls unluckily.
Maybe it's because it's getting warmer, it's middle of the week day, the mall is a bit out of the way and the time was bad but whatever the reason... There certainly weren't many people and many cute girls.
THE MISSED TARGET -The bane of my existence-
As soon as I arrived there was a stunning young girl in shorts made out of jeans (gotta love those coupled with nice legs!), black hair but deep, lively blue eyes. Gotta love the youthful energy! :D
I was with my colleague at the top of the escalator when I saw her and I don't know my colleague that well. Not at a close friend level. Not at a level I can leave him to chase girls point blank. The girls were taking the escalator in the other direction. My colleague was talking to me and we were almost at destination, so it seemed rude to take off for some minutes without explanation.
On second thought, what's rude is letting those nice chances go to waste...
Anyway, after lunch I started walking around.
Wasn't interested much in clothes, I don't wanna sound too snobbish but I have a really hard time finding something really nice here around Prague.
THE BLONDE YOUNG ONE
As I wandered aimlessly I saw a really cute blonde girl, blue eyes, shorts with stockings. Not too sexy stockings and not even too sexy shorts to be honest. From the side I could see she had braces. You know, some kind of thick braces can make your mouth look a bit weird. This was one of those cases.
But I was glad I stopped her anyway, her face was angelic her eyes amazing.
I tap her on the arm and as she turns I look at her for a couple of seconds with a slight smile, she smiling even wider. Then I ask, coolly and slowly, "do you speak English".
She did, and then asked if she was "at least 18", to which she inquired back why I was asking, in a very smiley way, you could definitely see she was very involved and drawn by the interaction. I asked if the kid close to her was her younger sister, to which I said ciao with a smile, only to receive a half-scared/half curious stare back :). Then I prodded again for her age. She was 16, to which I said too young, have a great day.
May I now say that I regret to have left? :)
16 is legal here, with hindsight I might have asked "so what would your parent say if we'd meet for a drink". If she seemed hesitant I'd have left, if she seemed happy to meet... Then why not. She's older than half my age after all :D.
When I have regrets with girls I don't like, mostly related to missed one night stands for this or that mistake or for this or that unlucky circumstance, usually I don't mind.
But if I regrets for girls I really like... Those torture me.
I guess I'm a very competitive guy used to get it his way more times than not, so I flog myself when I miss something or when I lose.
THE FAMILY OF VIETCONGS
Then I saw a Vietnamese girl, which these days represent my main target (previously my perfect target was: small, blonde, thin, beautiful/angelic face, blue eyes).
She was walking maybe 5 meters behind an older woman and a kid. They were holding the same bag from the same shop. Doesn't take a genius to see they were possibly a family, but she didn't look too young so hey.. I gave it a try.
She didn't speak English so rather than replying to me she called what I think was her mom to talk to me in English :D. Daaaamn :D.
I said "Hi, you're really young and still great looking to be a mother. I'd like to have you both in my bed".
Just kidding, I just said "Hi, I actually just wanted to say hi to your friend" (what a masterclass saying "to your friend" :D ). She smiled and didn't reply anything.
"Nice meeting you" I said with a broad smile and was off.
THE VIETCONG WITH A BF
On the way back I met another Vietnamese out of the metro.
She wasn't particularly cute so I didn't mind too much when she said she was going to meet her BF.
Then I took the stairs rather than the escalator. This is a new thing I started doing. When I take the escalator and I see some cute girls coming down I have a hard time finishing the ride and then chasing back, so it's easier taking the stairs and scanning for the people coming towards you :).
But nothing good was coming down.
Then I walked around IP Pavlova for some last minute target, but nothing.
Fucking useless afternoon, goddamit :).
But wait... There are some...
LESSONS LEARNED
Not sure whether it's a real, clear cut case of lessons learned but I could see some patterns emerging.
I rebuff the idea that it's just a matter of age.
A lot of it can be ascribed to confidence, experience, personality, mood, social intelligence, command of the language and also culture (for example, here Vietnamese girls tend to be much shier, scared and "lost" then native Prague girls no matter the age)
However, on average, it's more likely that you will have a more confident and socially experienced girl at an older age than at a younger one.
So to make matter simpler I will divide here by age, but just keep in mind that the variables are wider and that it's not so clear cut.
Also, obviously, these are two extremes on a continuum, but it can be useful to keep in mind where you should be slotting your interaction :).
TO BE LED
With younger (/shy/inexperienced/from secluded minorities/not from the city/ socially un-savvy/Sunday etc. etc.) girls, interest (and possibly also attraction) seems to be more commonly sky high since the beginning.
They are a bit shy and scaried, thought most of the times they are enjoying the interaction very much.
It's very likely one of the first if not the first time they receive this kind of direct male approach in day time -if not at any time in the fringe cases- and, in my case, to make things even more uncommon and strange, they are also speaking in a foreign language.
They are often a bit confused, waiting to be led and you should take total charge of the interaction. In a gentle way.
I remember one girl in particular, telling me "I don't know" to very basic questions I was asking simply because she was completely out of her comfort zone.
It was a bit like:
-I feel you're a bit nervous, is it the first somebody talks to you in the street.
-"Yes. No. I don't know"
-Are you waiting for the tram
-I don't know
:D
In these kind of situations you shouldn't actually go too direct/confident/dominant as you don't need to be.
Actually, you might risk of scaring them and you don't really need to come off as the dominant one right off the bat to actually lead the interaction.
You're gonna lead it anyway.
Why you don't need is simple, in a way.
Let's make it in math: if one a scale from -10 to 10 you go in as a 7 in confidence and she's a -2 (such as, she's scared/lost or similar), that could be too big of a difference and she might feel threatened.
So don't go in with an approach of the kind "Hi, I gotta talk to you" as if there were no other options for her.
Don't set yourself too high as the guy who needs to be chased "so I might ring you now, but please don't start sexting me at nights".
Smile more, be more friendly, give her time to get used to you.
TO BE TAMED -and led-
At the other end of the spectrum, far away from the kitten, there's the cougar.
This is usually for a bit older/hot/very confident/socially savvy/dominant/careerest/rich/popular/well educated/party girl/rough (yes, it can also be that if you approach tattoed, street scarred druggies and drunks :D) etc. etc. kind of girls.
I have the feeling that the more dominant you go in, the better impression you can make.
Again with the mathematical example, if you go in as a 7 in confidence and she's an 8, you won't make a strong impression, you won't be strong enough to lead and either nobody will or she'll have to take the rains and she will feel you're not good enough for her.
Even if you get on with her, it will be on her terms.
I mean, it can be also good at times and she wants it, but this is never the default interaction you wanna have: whatever the feminists tell you, a man who has to be led is never a sexy man.
You will find out pretty soon if you're in front of a girl/woman who knows her business.
It happened to me once, I went in a bit weak and I really felt in my guts that I had started with the wrong foot, that wasn't on top of the interaction and I couldn't even recover much*.
I think in these cases, calling her out on it, telling her "you're pretty dominant and self assured, aren't you" might give you some points on social savvyness.
In any case, make no mistake, you should always go in confident and lead, just calibrate the level of assertion and confidence you need to to use.
Which, of course,doesn't mean being a jerk. I smile most of the times.
*By the way, funny thing is, I've seen that girl again that evening later on and we were a bit more on an equal footing.
I've seen her again weeks later and still remembered her name. Called her and told her to please stop stalking me :). Then when I've seen her out of the bar, me on my own her with her friend, she smiled a me and said "I'm not stalking you". That time it was definitely me the top dog. And if I'll see her again I'll definitely try to sexualize and update you on it :D
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